Obscure Horror Movie Reviews
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S. Darko
If anyone reads this (by anyone I mean you mom) and has heard me say I saw
the worst movie ever I was wrong. Yesterday I had a sliver in my hand and it
took me a long time to get it out. I enjoyed my time with that sliver more than I
enjoyed watching S.Darko. Everyone who was in this film should be rounded
up and forced to work in a meat packing plant in the midwest for 6 month for
putting me through this hell for $5.35!!
Donny Darko was a strange and interesting movie that I can't remember
anything about but I remember I liked it. This sequel about Donny's little sister
and it makes as much sense as someone picking Sarah Palin as a running mate.
At one point someone pulls a magic feather out of a TV and later it falls to the
ground and is very heavy. Does that make sense to you? Me neither.
Now here's the big treat! There is a guest appearance by Elizabeth Berkley. If
you don't know who that is, good for you! You must have been doing
something with your life in the 90's. The running time for this film is around 12
hours.
Hatchet
Old School American Horror
I fell asleep.
The Ghosts of Edendale
(starring no one in particular)
I never thought I would be watching a movie and hear myself say, "I wish I had
picked that Dean Cain picture instead!"
The acting in this movie was so bad I half expected to see myself on the screen.
It made me want to see some porn acting to bring things up a notch. Okay I
have a lot of trouble in acting class myself but this movie had bad jogging. How
can you not jog well.
I don't think I have ever even noticed a sound track in a movie but for some
reason there was this weird piano music for the first 15 minutes where it didn't
belong. In fact even the composer got so bored it sounded like they just started
giving children piano lessons in the middle.
Rating : This film was just terrible.
Behind The Mask The Rise of Lesli Vernon
**MUST SEE***
I LOVE this movie! It is a comedy spoof that turns into a GREAT horror flick! A
group of film students are shooting a documentary on Leslie Vernon a killer
who wants to be the next Freddi Kruger or Jason. He takes them through all the
planning of a mass killing and all the prep work that goes with it. He explains
that he has to do a lot of cardio training because, "...there's that whole thing of
making it look like I'm walking when everyone else is running their asses off!"
He has to go to the future site of his murders and fix all the handles on the tools
so that when she hits them and they break he can get back up.
This is the most original movie I have seen in years with cameos by Robert
Englund and Zelda Rubinstein (the creepy voice lady in Poltergeist )
Highest Rating! No drugs or Alcohol needed
Mulberry
(from the "8 Films to Die For Series"
Mulberry is a Zombie film and the only thing about Zombies is they have no
problem solving capabilities so once the virus has spread ( yes it is always a
virus) it is pretty much about the chase and waiting for the guys in Hazmat
Suits. The movie takes place in a part of NY which has never been cleaned
before and like in most movies only two significant women exist and they are
both in good shape. Although I like this movie much like George Bush and
Katrina, it took too long to get started. Criticisms aside I do recommend this
film. It is great looking, the zombies are creepy and it just worked.
Rating: a few drinks makes it a good time.
The Hitchhiker II : I've been waiting
Starring Jake Busey (Gary Busey's son)
The only thing scary about this movie is finding out that Gary Busey has a son.
Rating: Pot and alcohol needed to make this one work and even then good luck
If anyone reads this (by anyone I mean you mom) and has heard me say I saw
the worst movie ever I was wrong. Yesterday I had a sliver in my hand and it
took me a long time to get it out. I enjoyed my time with that sliver more than I
enjoyed watching S.Darko. Everyone who was in this film should be rounded
up and forced to work in a meat packing plant in the midwest for 6 month for
putting me through this hell for $5.35!!
Donny Darko was a strange and interesting movie that I can't remember
anything about but I remember I liked it. This sequel about Donny's little sister
and it makes as much sense as someone picking Sarah Palin as a running mate.
At one point someone pulls a magic feather out of a TV and later it falls to the
ground and is very heavy. Does that make sense to you? Me neither.
Now here's the big treat! There is a guest appearance by Elizabeth Berkley. If
you don't know who that is, good for you! You must have been doing
something with your life in the 90's. The running time for this film is around 12
hours.
Hatchet
Old School American Horror
I fell asleep.
The Ghosts of Edendale
(starring no one in particular)
I never thought I would be watching a movie and hear myself say, "I wish I had
picked that Dean Cain picture instead!"
The acting in this movie was so bad I half expected to see myself on the screen.
It made me want to see some porn acting to bring things up a notch. Okay I
have a lot of trouble in acting class myself but this movie had bad jogging. How
can you not jog well.
I don't think I have ever even noticed a sound track in a movie but for some
reason there was this weird piano music for the first 15 minutes where it didn't
belong. In fact even the composer got so bored it sounded like they just started
giving children piano lessons in the middle.
Rating : This film was just terrible.
Behind The Mask The Rise of Lesli Vernon
**MUST SEE***
I LOVE this movie! It is a comedy spoof that turns into a GREAT horror flick! A
group of film students are shooting a documentary on Leslie Vernon a killer
who wants to be the next Freddi Kruger or Jason. He takes them through all the
planning of a mass killing and all the prep work that goes with it. He explains
that he has to do a lot of cardio training because, "...there's that whole thing of
making it look like I'm walking when everyone else is running their asses off!"
He has to go to the future site of his murders and fix all the handles on the tools
so that when she hits them and they break he can get back up.
This is the most original movie I have seen in years with cameos by Robert
Englund and Zelda Rubinstein (the creepy voice lady in Poltergeist )
Highest Rating! No drugs or Alcohol needed
Mulberry
(from the "8 Films to Die For Series"
Mulberry is a Zombie film and the only thing about Zombies is they have no
problem solving capabilities so once the virus has spread ( yes it is always a
virus) it is pretty much about the chase and waiting for the guys in Hazmat
Suits. The movie takes place in a part of NY which has never been cleaned
before and like in most movies only two significant women exist and they are
both in good shape. Although I like this movie much like George Bush and
Katrina, it took too long to get started. Criticisms aside I do recommend this
film. It is great looking, the zombies are creepy and it just worked.
Rating: a few drinks makes it a good time.
The Hitchhiker II : I've been waiting
Starring Jake Busey (Gary Busey's son)
The only thing scary about this movie is finding out that Gary Busey has a son.
Rating: Pot and alcohol needed to make this one work and even then good luck
| ...a note about 8 Films to Die For 8 films to die for are the winners of the yearly competition Horrorfest They say they these films were "too graphic for release" which they are not and that is probably a lie made to put butts in seats. They are from newer film makers and that makes me like them even more. Although it is hard to find details they seem to fall into a category way above student film but not quiet at theater levels (IE: budgets and stars butt pretty damn close! The effects are usually great!). Some are very original and some are not but they are always an interesting rental. I personally like the idea of helping out some new blood (sorry about the pun) in the Horror Biz. I also like that they are not afraid to use attractive 40 year old women as heroines! Sometimes a few wrinkles are good for fighting Zombies! |
| Note about Robert Englund Robert Englund of Freddie Kruger as made special guest or cameo appearance in just about every film I have rented. How cheap can it be to hire Robert Englund? I am pretty sure you can find him in the phone book under Englund and Kruger. Someone please give him a role in something other than Horror. He is not the elephant boy! I think he is at my door right now borrowing a cup of sugar. |